


what should have been

by edwardnygmas



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: But with a happy ending, Eddie Lives, Fix-It, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, angst in the first chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-27 12:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20760266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edwardnygmas/pseuds/edwardnygmas
Summary: The losers take Eddie's body after defeating Pennywise.Richie struggles Eddie's almost death.





	1. Chapter 1

He was barely breathing. Richie heard the others talking frantically, felt them pulling him away from Eddie’s body, but he just held on, screaming that they could still help him. He heard someone say that they had to leave him, that Eddie wouldn’t want him to die there like that, but Richie couldn’t leave him. He was holding Eddie’s body close to him, sobbing, thinking of all the things he wished he would have told him. Things that he should have been brave enough to say 27 years ago and that he hated himself for not being brave enough to say even now. 

“We can still help him! He’s not gonna die, guys we have to take him to the hospital! He needs help, he needs us!” 

As he screamed, Richie began to pick up Eddie’s limp body, but couldn’t walk farther than a few feet before collapsing back down to the ground. He wrapped his arms around the man, accepting that they were going to die down there together when he felt someone pulling him up. Richie had thought the others had left him, that they had already ran out to safety, but it was Ben. 

“I’m not fucking leaving him, I can’t, he needs-”

Richie stopped talking when he realized what Ben was doing, when he saw him picking up Eddie.

“I got him Richie, let’s go, we need to get out of here now!” 

It was all a blur from there, Richie following everyone out of the house and making it out just as the entire building collapsed to the ground. Then they were in Mike’s car, speeding to the nearest hospital. There was an unusual silence in the car, not even Richie spoke as they drove, he just stared at the ground, his arms wrapped around Eddie’s body. No one said anything but they all thought the same thing, Eddie wasn’t moving, it didn’t look good. 

At the hospital, the five of them sat in the waiting room. The nurses had instantly taken Eddie away, and Richie couldn’t help but think that might have been the last time he’d see him. But then he told himself that no, Eddie was stronger than that. He’d pull through, he had to. 

Richie had sat in a corner, seperate from his friends, who were whispering in hushed voices. He heard Bill say that It was really gone for good, and Bev nodded, saying “We did it.” He knew they had a right to be thinking like that, but Richie could only think about how Eddie should be there with them. He was all Richie could think about. He felt the tears coming and looked down, which was a bad move because then he saw Eddie’s blood all over his clothes. He began sobbing again, and in an instant Bev, Ben, Bill, and Mike were surrounding him, hugging and comforting him. He leaned into Bev, hearing her say that “everything will be okay”, and tried his best to believe it. 

In the hospital shower, Richie was alone for the first time since they arrived there. Sure, the others were just a few rooms over, but he felt truly alone. He hadn’t wanted to shower, he wanted to stay in the waiting room in case the doctors had any news about Eddie, but Bev told him gently that he looked the worst out of all of them, and he needed to clean up. They had all gone first, and returned one at a time with clean clothes, so Richie had finally agreed. And so he found himself in the small shower, and as soon as the water started running he was a mess again. He was pretty sure he had cried more in the past few hours than he ever had before. The water was red as it went down the drain, and as Richie washed all the blood off of him he remembered Eddie after he had been impaled. He remembered how bad the wound looked, how much blood he was losing. Richie sank to the floor and sat, suddenly feeling very guilty because Eddie had risked his life saving him from the fucking deadlights. This was his fault, Richie thought, and if Eddie dies that’s on him. It should be him in that emergency room, it should be fucking him who dies and Eddie should be out there with the others. Richie didn’t know how long he sat there, but the water was no longer running red, so he got out of the shower.

Once he was dressed, he walked back to the waiting room where the others were sitting and talking. Someone had gotten food for everyone, but Richie couldn’t eat and no one tried to make him. The silence was horrible, but Richie had nothing to say. Maybe the others were waiting for some kind of dumb joke like he surely would have said in any other situation, but Richie didn’t know if he could ever make dumb jokes again. All he could think about was how after he had been saved from the deadlights the first thing he saw was Eddie and how happy and proud he had looked. 

“Remember when Eddie forgot his bandaids when we went on that camping trip all those years ago? He freaked out and made us go back for them, and it was like an hour to bike back to town but he said that they were important if someone got hurt. So we went back and he was panicking the whole time, and it turned out he had them in his second fanny pack the whole time.” Beverly spoke quietly but with a smile, and the others laughed softly at the memory. 

“Yeah, and what about when we all went to that little restaurant and Eddie saw a bug on the window and started going on about calling the Health Department. And when the waiter came he started listing all his allergies, that went on for like ten minutes!” Mike said. 

Richie saw them all laughing, then Bill added to the story.

“I remember that day! When the food came, Stan dared Eddie to eat a mushroom and Eddie said that if he did he could die.” 

Bev was smiling as she said “He always made us laugh.” 

Richie had heard enough, surprising everyone with an outburst.

“Stop fucking talking about him like that! He isn’t fucking dead, stop acting like he is. He’s here and he’s gonna be okay, so can you just shut the fuck up because this isn’t a damn funeral.” 

Everyone’s eyes fell, and they looked ashamed.   
“Sorry Richie” Bev said, and everyone else was quiet for a while. 

Richie instantly felt bad for shouting like that, they were his friends and Eddie’s friends too. They cared about him as much as he did, and they just wanted to lighten the mood. Richie shook his head, wishing he could apologize to them, but he didn’t, and they understood. 

When the nurse came into the waiting room, she saw four adults huddled together, asleep, their arms wrapped around each other and their heads on each others shoulders. Richie was sitting next to them, looking at the floor. He was exhausted, and it was almost 3 AM but he couldn’t fall asleep. He would close his eyes and images of Eddie’s face hovering above him, right as he had been after saving him from the deadlights, would fill his mind. No, Richie wasn’t planning on falling asleep for a long time, at this rate he didn’t think he could ever get a good night’s rest again. 

“Are you here for Edward Kaspbrak?” 

The nurse spoke softly to Richie, not wanting to wake the others. 

Richie’s heart dropped. All he could manage to say was “yes” in a quiet voice. It felt like an eternity of silence, with the nurse just looking at him with the sad eyes of someone about to deliver the worst news anyone could hear. 

But she said “He’s ok. He’s conscious now if you want to see him, but I’ll warn you he’s pretty beat up.” 

Richie could barely speak, managing to spit out something about “I knew he’d fucking make it, knew he was stong enough.” 

He walked with the nurse to the room Eddie was in, and he felt a pang of guilt for not waking the others. He knew he was being selfish by wanting to see Eddie alone, for wanting to be the first person to see him, but then the nurse was opening the door for him and every other thought vanished, because fuck, Eddie was really alive.

And there he was, all bandaged up and lying in a hospital bed. Richie stood at the doorway awkwardly, just looking at him, not knowing what to say and fuck, he had always known what to say. But as soon as Eddie saw him, he broke into a huge smile that just had to be killing his freshly bandaged cheek, and said, “Richie! You’re ok!” 

Richie couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m ok? Dumbass, look at you.” 

Richie instantly regretted what he said, and cursed himself for his dumb jokes. He didn’t know how to express to Eddie how much this meant to him, how much he meant to him, but Eddie was smiling like an idiot, and all Richie could focus on was his face. 

He went over and sat next to Eddie’s bed, and they both remained quiet for a few minutes. He saw how there was a blanket covering most of Eddie’s bandaged torso, but how his hands rested on top of it, and he had the strongest desire to hold his hand. But he didn’t, he just looked at him, wondering how he could have ever forgotten about him. After everything they had done together all those years ago, all the good times, arguably the best times of Richie’s life, he had just forgotten about him. How did he fucking forget? 

“Thank you.” Eddie said, breaking the silence and snapping Richie back to the present.

Richie knew he was thanking him for not leaving him down there, but it just reminded him that he should be the one thanking Eddie, not the other way around. Eddie had saved his life back there, had risked his own life to save Richie’s. Eddie was alive, and that was what mattered, but all the bandages were a reminder that it was Richie that got him into this situation. It should have been him that Pennywise stabbed, it should be him in that fucking hospital bed. He didn’t want to cry, he already felt so vulnerable, and crying in front of Eddie like that felt wrong, but still a few tears fell down his cheek. 

“I’m sorry.” Richie whispered, looking down at the blanket to avoid Eddie’s eyes. 

“Hey, just don’t get your tears on my fucking bandage. They’re clean and you know how easy it is for these things to get infected.” 

Eddie was smiling, and Richie couldn’t help but laugh because that was such an Eddie thing to say. 

“Everyone’s here you know, Bev, Mike, Ben, Bill. They’re all in the other room.” 

Richie knew they’d be just as anxious to see Eddie as he had been, but was secretly grateful when Eddie said that they should keep sleeping and that they could see him in the morning. 

“You look like shit, you can sleep too you know.” Eddie said, and Richie scooted himself into a position in the chair where he could lay his head on Eddie’s bed. 

“Thanks for that Eds.” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

While earlier Richie had doubts he’d ever sleep peacefully again, being there with Eddie, knowing that Eddie was safe and alive and right by him, he fell asleep almost instantly. And as Eddie looked at Richie, who had fallen asleep seconds after his head hit the mattress and was snoring with his mouth open slightly, he remembered how he had been trapped in the deadlights. Eddie thought about all the fear he had felt as he threw that spear at Pennywise, and then all the pain and darkness he had experienced after being stabbed, and despite it all, he knew he would do it again in a heartbeat. He’d do it again in a heartbeat for Richie.


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie had to stay in the hospital for a while, but everyone stayed with him through it. He felt bad that they weren’t at their jobs on his behalf, but he appreciated the company more than he’d ever admit. 

The flowers were Bev’s idea, she brought a colorful bouquet to Eddie the second day he was awake, then the idea caught on and he ended up with six flower arrangements. Richie had brought two. 

“One from Stan.” He had said. 

Richie was the one at the hospital the most, constantly in Eddie’s room with him. Sometimes one of the others would find the two of them awkwardly crammed into the small bed, watching tv together or bickering over what they wanted for dinner. They had always been close, as Richie’s memories from childhood came back he remembered the intimacy they always had, like lying in the old hammock sharing a magazine, arguing over when to turn the page. And now, 27 years later, Richie found himself even more desperate for the closeness. As he was laying in the hospital bed with him, twisted in a weird position so that he wasn’t lying on the bandages while his head rested on Eddie’s shoulder, he thought about how he’d need to go back to LA sooner or later. He had thought he loved his life there, with his nice apartment and his comedy shows every weekend, but being back in Derry like that made him nervous for the future. He didn’t want to forget again, he didn’t want to forget Eddie again. But he couldn’t say anything about that to Eddie, he didn’t want to open up in that way. Eddie was fucking married, the only reason he was letting Richie be this close was because he was fucking tramatized. Surely as soon as he was better he’d want to get out of this shithole town. 

One day the two of them were in Eddie’s room, Eddie still bedridden and Richie sitting next to him, playing with his hair when Eddie said “Myra and I divorced you know.” 

It came as a shock to Richie, who didn’t know what to say. 

“It was something we both needed. I just didn’t tell you guys because I was kind of ashamed of it. You all seemed so happy and I knew it’d make me the butt of jokes. But I thought you ought to know.” 

Eddie was looking at him, and Richie wished he knew what exactly that look meant. He instantly felt guilty for the happiness he felt at hearing about his divorce, because he didn’t even know Myra, she could have loved Eddie a lot, she could have made him very happy. He ignored the pang of jealousy he felt at that thought, because what the hell was wrong with him for thinking like that anyway?

Richie knew better than to say what he was really thinking out loud, he didn’t want to ruin what he had with Eddie. He was content to stay there, his hands running through the other man’s hair, and let what he had wanted to say ever since he was thirteen remain unsaid. 

Eventually, Eddie was able to leave the hospital, confined to a wheelchair for a short time. Everyone got together for lunch to celebrate, and it was just like old times until Ben said that he was leaving town that weekend. He needed to return to work, and Bill said that he was leaving too, bringing up his wife. 

“Your wife must miss you too Eddie.” He said, and Bev nodded, adding “She’ll be so excited to see you.” 

Richie glanced quickly at Eddie, not saying anything. He noticed the way he just nodded, and gave a weak agreement and a laugh. 

No one noticed anything, and Bev announced that she was going to be leaving with Ben, which earned a cheer from Richie. Mike chipped in that he was leaving Derry too, and already had a place in Florida picked out that he had found online. 

“Yeah, I’ll head back soon too.” Richie said, even though that was the last thing he wanted to do. 

Richie was driving Eddie back to the hotel they were staying at when he finally worked up the courage to ask what was on his mind. 

“So Eds, where are you gonna go after everyone leaves?” 

“I won’t be able to go back to work for a while, so…” Eddie trailed off, then said “I didn’t tell them about the divorce because I don’t want them worrying about me even more. They’ve already stayed here longer than they planned, and I know that if they knew, they’d feel like they have to stay even longer. They have lives.” 

“Well so do you Eds, you just got out of the fucking hospital man.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. 

“I’ll be fine, I don’t wanna stay in Derry alone, so after you all leave I’ll head to a motel somewhere.” 

“A motel? Edward Kaspbrak in a motel? What about the bedbugs and the dirty sheets and the lice?” Richie was only joking, but Eddie’s eyes widened and he had that signature look of nervousness on his face. 

Richie had been thinking of something for the past few weeks, ever since Eddie had confided in him about the divorce really, and he finally had the nerve to say it. ‘If he laughs, just play it off as a joke’. 

“Come back to LA with me.” 

Eddie just looked at him, so Richie added “I mean it Eds, you should. I mean only if you want to.” 

It seemed like Eddie was silent for an unusually long time, and Richie was sure he was about to politely decline when he said in a slightly shaky voice, “Yeah, ok. If you’re sure that’d be ok and everything.” 

Richie burst into a grin, wishing the other man knew how much this meant to him. 

The plane ride to LA was almost six hours, making it the longest plane ride Eddie had been on. He told this to Richie as they drove to the airport, and he was clearly nervous. 

“Wait, but you’ve been on a plane before right?” Richie asked. Most of his comedy shows were in California, but plane rides were second nature to him. 

“Well yeah dude, for like an hour.” 

“Aw Eds, so I’m not taking your flight virginity then?” 

Eddie glared at him, and Richie could tell he was not excited for this plane ride. 

“I take flights all the time, it’ll be ok.” Richie wished he was better at comforting him, wished his words sounded more sincere. 

Eddie talked about how when he moved out of Derry with his mom, they had driven, and the first time he had actually been on a plane was after she had died.  
“It was for a business meeting, and it only took an hour, but I was still super anxious and shit. I was sure I would throw up, so I wore the little mask they offered and everything.” 

Richie patted his shoulder and told him that he’d do fine, and assured him again that the plane ride would go normally. 

And it did go normally. Richie let Eddie take the window seat, and listened through his worries, which varied from his wound getting infected by using the plane’s bathroom to the possibility of terrorism. Eddie did wear the dumb mask the whole time, but Richie figured it was justifiable since he did have a stab wound on his face.  
About halfway through the flight, Richie fell asleep, his head drooped onto Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie didn’t understand how he could just fall asleep like that when they were thousands of feet in the sky, but he didn’t mind, in fact he welcomed the closeness.

At first, Richie was nervous that things might be awkward with Eddie staying at his apartment, but he soon found that it felt completely normal to him. They bickered and argued and joked just like old times, but Eddie also noticed an underlying tenderness in Richie. Everyday, he had to clean and re-bandage his wound, and Richie was always ready to help in any way he could. He remembered how 27 years ago, when his arm was broken, Richie had shown up at his house one day. He had to sneak in through the window since his mom didn’t approve of him having friends over, but he had a backpack full of paints and brushes and had explained that he had gotten them for his birthday and never used them, but if Eddie wanted he could paint his cast for him. He didn’t make eye contact as he asked, and quickly said “Only if you want though, I don’t know if it’s bad hygiene or anything or if it’s weird or something, I just thought…” 

Eddie had obviously let him paint the cast. It was one of the few times they had hung out without the others, and Eddie noticed how concentrated Richie was as he painted, and how gentle he was with his arm. Richie wasn’t the best artist, and he was embarrassed when he was done, saying he was really sorry if Eddie didn’t like it, but Eddie had hugged him and told him it was awesome. After Richie had left, he couldn’t stop smiling whenever he looked at the cast, but his mom took him to the doctor a few days later and it had to come off. 

That memory came back to Eddie as Richie walked into the apartment, carrying too many boxes of band aids. Eddie smiled at the memory, but it was a sad smile, because how could he have ever forgotten something like that? 

Eddie had mentioned earlier that he was running low on band aids, and Richie had instantly taken it upon himself to go to the store and buy more. Now, Richie was standing in the doorway, trying to balance six packages of band aids in his hands and ranting about his experience at the store. 

“And then the manager came and the bitch got all her groceries for free. For free! Then I finally get to pay for these and the worker tells me that they’re all out of fucking bags. I say “It’s a grocery store, how are you out of bags?” So I have to carry this shit out to the car looking like a damn juggler-” 

Richie saw how Eddie was looking at him, and quickly asked “You ok Eds?” 

“We forgot each other. For all those years we forgot.” Eddie was shaking his head. “I just don’t wanna forget again.” 

He felt too vulnerable saying it, but it scared him. Richie came over to the couch and sat next to him. 

“Eds, the happiest times of my life were when we were kids and then when we all got together again. I can’t fucking believe we forgot, but it won’t happen again.” 

What he wanted to say was for Eddie to stay with him there forever, then they’d never be able to possibly forget each other again, but he didn’t. Instead, they just sat there, until Eddie asked “So you really never got married?” 

Without a joke to deflect from the question, Richie felt embarrassed to answer. 

“No, I uh, I didn’t.” 

“I was never in love with Myra. It wasn’t a good relationship, she was everything I hated about my mom.” 

It was hard for Eddie to talk about this, but with Richie looking at him like that he felt like he should continue.

“I just never fell in love I guess, and it bothered me a lot, it still does.” 

Richie turned his eyes to the floor as he said “I never fell in love either. I always felt like there was something missing from my life, the uh, the only time I really felt whole was when we all met up in the restaurant. Seeing everyone again, and remembering. I was scared that when we all left Derry again I would get that empty feeling again.” 

He managed the confidence to look Eddie in the eyes.

“But I feel pretty good now.” 

Eddie was looking at him, and Richie wished he knew what the hell the other man was thinking. Fuck it, he thought, and he reached for Eddie’s hand. He expected him to pull away, of course he would pull away, he was being fucking weird. 

But Eddie held Richie’s hand in his own. 

Neither of them said anything, but they both finally felt at ease, and they knew that they’d be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> what do u mean this isn't what really happened?? did we watch the same movie?


End file.
